Here we go again.

I'm going to try and do this again. I'm going to try and write some of my thoughts, feelings, and other shenanigans out in a positive form here. It may blow up in my face again, but I suppose I should try to stay positive, even when I keep rolling snake eyes.

Attempting to write here again was prompted by spending the last three hours doing my employee schedule from home while listing to Last.FM on my XBox. I have a friend that primarily works from home and listens to music while he does it. I envy him now, because this was the most stress free/relaxed work I have ever done. I either had to spending an hour driving to and from work to do this or do it from home so I chose to stay here. I'm glad my boss let me. I just finished and started checking my friends blogs and decided to try once again.

I still find myself at a loss for what I should be doing. I guess right now, maybe I'm right where God wants me to be, maybe not. I know that even if I'm not, I'm trying my hardest to be a good example for him. I may fail half the time, but I keep going. I've been in the job I have for far far far too long, but I have been stuck here. I basically make sure people are selling tickets and popcorn properly. Also, I'm good at getting yelled at without losing my temper which is needed for my job. Besides that, it doesn't really serve much purpose. I have wanted to do something that helps people at least in some way real, not just enjoying their movies.

I've been talking to an Army recruiter for a bit now. Waiting for some medical crap to get sorted. I'm gonna call him tomorrow since its too late today. Hopefully everything will be well and I can start moving the process along further. I have no clue if this is what I should be doing, but I'm getting older and the options I have are narrowing further in further with everything. I believe being a soldier is something I can do well, and I will be able to serve my country, people around me and maybe others around the world. I won't feel useless anymore. I won't spend 45-50 hours a week doing a nothing job. All of my family are far away from me and I'm lucky to see any of them once a year, if at all. The few good friends I have I see less and less of all the time. The holidays just depress me. I need to get out of here. I hope this is the way to make it happen. By the time if get out, I will have enough money and free education if I want it, to start over. I won't have to spend 5 more years struggle to keep my head above water.
Some of my friends don't want me to go for fear I might have to fight and could die. This is something I can honestly say I have no fear of. I'm not crazy or delusional enough to think I couldn't die. I'm simply not afraid. I don't want to go off to war and get killed, but it's not something that would stop me from joining the military or being a cop or whatever else. Maybe its because I don't have a wife or kids or someone else that I'm responsible for but the thought of dying doesn't mean much to me. God is going to take me on his time. Afghanistan or a drunk driver here, it makes no difference. I may live till I'm 102 but its not up to me. My parents and sister support me. I believe they do in their hearts, or at least they aren't dumb enough to cause a fight over it.
I pray for peace about this, or for some clear guidance towards something different. So far I have had a little of the first and none of the second. For anyone that reads this and knows me, I ask that you just do the same if you remember me when your speaking to our Savior.

Honesty is Not the Best Policy.

June of last year: I go into the Detroit Police recruiting center hopeful for a new job. I filled out an interest card, my criminal background was run then I was asked explained how the process works. I was also asked a few questions including if I have ever done any illegal drugs/substances. I admit to smokin some weed in high school. I was asked about when I was over 18. I said no.

Jump ahead to Tuesday a week ago: I come in from my background interview, which is one interview away from having the job. I fill out a bunch of paperwork, which included the drug question again. I put down the same answer.

Jump to Monday night of this week: I receive a letter stating that I said no to any drug use at all during my pre-screening in June and now I said I did so do to low morals and lack of integrity I am being permanently deactivated from getting a job with the Detroit Police. "Thank you for you interest and good luck in your future endeavors".

I call and speak to my background investigator on Tuesday morning . I'm a bit angry and confused for being called a liar and because I didn't do anything wrong. I calmly explain to her everything. She says she will pull my file and contact me. I received a phone call a short while ago from her stating that she did my original interview(which she had no clue of when speaking to her on Tuesday) She says that she wouldn't have asked me anything about being an adult and that I just said no to the question, that maybe I had forgotten about the marijuana when asked. I said I don't believe I would have but is there anything I can do to fix this, write a statement, come down there and speak to someone, anything. She puts me on hold for five minutes and comes back and says I may(not for sure, but may) be able to start over by filling out an interest card again starting one year from today.
I wanted to reach through the fun and punch her or someone in the face, but I just thanked her for her time and hung up.
So basically, one of the most well known for corruption police departments on the planet called me a liar and to have a good day somewhere other than here, for something that wasn't my fault.

A little over a year ago I was talking to my mom about some crap that was going on and she started to try to comfort me by saying "I knows that it seems like everything goes wrong for you", but she stopped her sentence right there and I started laughing, because she had to correct herself and say "I'm sorry, I don't know why everything does go bad for you, but it can't last for ever." I have friends that joke about my life skills sucking because of all the crap I've deal with.

I have had a pretty crappy go of things for half a decade now and this tops it off.
This is the first thing in a long long long time I have been excited and optimistic about. And I have waited almost a year now to get it to be told to go F*#@ off. I'm done.

I started this blog to try keep a positive outlook on things and looking back on my lack of entries, I realize that I don't have a lot of positive things going on. Besides living itself and knowing that I'm gonna be with Jesus when I die, life pretty much blows. That should be enough(the living with Jesus in my heart, not life blowing). It was for the Disciples. I wish I could think that way. I pray for it all the time. But it isn't me and I fear it never will be.

I need to get out of Dodge. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be all I can be in Iraq or Afghanistan because if I gotta leave the only place I have considered a home since my parents dragged me out of Cali when I was 14, I'm not moving to a different state with hopes of finding a job, I'm not living with my parents again and trying to find work, I'm gonna get as far away as I can and maybe return in 2-4 years with some better outlook and options. Or maybe not return at all. Who knows, but if I'm gonna be miserable, I would rather be miserable where I know I am doing some sort of good every day instead of just on Sundays if I'm lucky. The hope of being a cop, a career/life change, is the only thing that made this last year tolerable. I can't put up with this anymore.

I just wanted to rant to someone, and I'm here alone before I gotta work the next 3 days so you got it blog. I also wanted to say goodbye. It's been nice knowing you, but doubt we are ever going to meet again.

Driving in the dark.

I just got home from a craptastic day at work. Watched Shutter Island. I like getting paid to see movies. Its a decent flick but most will see the end in the first 14 minutes of the movie.
Some friends came up to watch it with me. They stopped and picked up my roommate on the way. After the movie he rode back with me. I got home and realized the 25 minute drive seemed like nothing at all with company in the car.
I drive home Southfield Freeway at 1-3am at least 3-4 days a week. Its a quite, lonely drive at 3 am. and I usually think too much and depress myself on the way home.
Tonight was good. Dave and I talked about the movie and police for a few minutes and then spent 20 minutes on a video game. It amazes me how much time can fly by when talking about utter nonsense. It fascinates me how our brains work. 25 minutes seemed like 5. But I would take talking about nothing then talking to myself any day.

Well gotta sleep now for a few hours and be back to work.

Ehhh.... a new blog.

So here is my first blog since. ohhh, June last year. I aimed to attempt to make it more positive then negative. I'm not sure how I'm doing on that note. But I have been thinking about starting to write in this again for a few weeks now, so here we are. I just got home from work, shoveled some snow and decided to write here.

So since last time I was here, I made it home safely from New Mexico(No fresh water shark attacks). I worked through the Holiday season. I lost a friend that has affected me more than anyone cares to notice including myself. I gained a 2nd roommate and my 1st one went and got himself engaged. I still work at the same hole that sucks your soul out one day at a time. I'm still single. And I await March 2nd for a background interview with the Detroit Police to continue the hiring process. Mmmm... I think that is it. Exciting is-int it?

I have a hard time dwelling on the negative. I have been trying to change that, honest.
My focus right now is the police. The possibility of getting the job is really exciting and scares the crap out of me at the same time. I keep praying for Gods will in this whole thing. The idea of doing a job that I believe I can do well, a job that actually has some kind of meaning behind it besides making a dollar makes me smile. Stepping out of a job a do very well for over 10 years now on a chance for something that I may fail at and can't really comprehend fully until I am actually doing it makes me want to cry. All I know is that I have been pushing harder at the gym to get in better shape to make the academy as physically easy as possible so I can worry about the academics. Its constantly on my mind and when I have a bad day at work its worse because I just want to quit and get the crap outta there.

I hope and pray that this is the right thing for me to do partially because I believe it is and partially because I don't know what else I've got.

buh bye.

Helpless and Angry

I don't like being helpless, I don't really think anyone does. But when something is happening that is directly affecting me and I can't do anything, I want to snap.

It is approximately midnight here in New Mexico, 2am Michigan time, as I write this. I was relaxing, watching TV, when my friend, that at Halloween resembles Fester perfectly, called. He says hello, where is your sup-pump? I say "what?" He then informs me that my basement is flooding up through the water drains. :)
Luckily 5 friends were at my house when this started. And they were all quick enough to immediately gather everything of value(mostly books and electronics) up and out of the basement that they could. I was put on speaker while this was happening. I was randomly being asked questions by the people in the basement and parents in my face. I yelled at my parents to stop asking questions, which wasn't very nice. I then started calling anyone I could think of that would be up at 1-130 am that might have a pump of some sort. No Dice. At this point, I call Fester back and he tells me that everything they could get up they did.
But my floor, border, probably the drywall, 4 couches, some DVD/book shelves, and entertainment center= toast. But hey, thats what sewer water does when it touches stuff.

The worse part is that I won't even be able to check any of this out until two days from now on Sunday night when I fly home. And then when I see the damage, I can't do anything until the next day. I don't know when I am gonna fall asleep tonight, and I probably won't be able to think about anything else until I get home.

Zombie in the past has encouraged me to try to look on the positive side of things. I usually jump right to the negative. I have been trying, and I believe I have been doing better.
I have been very positive lately. Excited about the trip I'm on, excited about even the possibility of a new career, excited that a chunk of stress having to do with $$ and my ex-wife have been just about taken care of. So of course something has gotta happen to knock my arse down and get me out of a good mood. My father and I are both 99.9% sure insurance will not cover close to
the damage that was done. Woo Hoo!

"I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content" (Philippians 4:11) Paul learned to be content in the good and bad. I have prayed for this in my life for longer than I can remember. I'm not sure this is something I am going to ever even remotely succeed at. Though it wouldn't hurt if the good outweighed the bad every now and then for longer that a brief moment. At least thats the way it seems to me for a long time now.

Well I am done venting. I didn't have anyone to talk to so the blog gets it.
Hope everyone that reads this is having a better day than I!

Vacation...Sorta of.

Here goes my tri-monthly or so blog.
Tomorrow in about 8 hours I will be awoken by my father to start our two day drive to New Mexico. I have spent the better part of the last two days cleaning up my house and packing stuff that is going with us. I am official on vacation from two days ago until next Monday. I will spend half of this time "working" and the other half relaxing in the dry heat of New Mexico.

I was excited about seeing my dad for the first time in a year and I am excited to see my mom and cousins for the first time in a year as well. I am not excited in the least to take two days to drive there, but thems the breaks. When I get there, I plan on eating lots of unhealthy food and seeing how many attempts my cousin will use to hook me up with some random females he knows. In general though, I will enjoy 3 days of no responsibility and relaxation.

I'm also excited about taking a long annoying test when I get back from New Mexico to attempt to qualify for the Detroit Police Department. Many friends think it is a good thing for me to do, some think it is not safe so I should not do it. I don't know if it is normal or not, but I have absolutely no fear about the job. It is dangerous but I'm not worried. If God wants to take me, he will, end of story. Besides, I could crash in my plane on the way back to merry old Michigan and getting eating by a shark somehow. (if this happens, I am in NO WAY prophesying)

Well thats all I got for now.
Peace out everyone. See ya in a week.

Customer Realations

I haven't written a blog in awhile now because I can never think of anything to say and, the fact of being too lazy to write.

I have work two very long, very busy days now. After over 9 years (about 7-8 too many) I would hope to be immune to these things but I am not. I am very worn out and frustrated and the extremely self-important attitude of most people it seems. From asking for a phone number and feeling that there is nothing wrong with typing the number in my ear as I tell it to them, to demanding I fix someones in-ability to read a newspaper or listen to and speak to a perfectly working automated phone line. These are just of few of the things that people do to bug the crap out of myself and fellow employees. Someone today called, I said hello and was greeted with "your recording is retarded, so you are going to tell me the showtimes I want!" I don't like being told what I am going to do by someone that has no right to order me about. Everyone seems to care about themselves above all else when it comes to my work at least. It's just a movie, please chill out and see if we can help each other in a polite manor.
I try to be polite and pleasant when speaking to people no matter where or what the business is, even if it is not my fault at all. Another manager got off the phone today with a smile on his face and said "that was awesome." I asked what happened. He said they were calm and thanked him for his help before they hung up. Is that really too much to ask of anyone?

On a side note. It has been storming all day and it is glorious. When God is bowling I smile :)