Another year almost gone. Christmas just past about an hour ago. I'm about to go to bed. Gotta get up in 5 hours for work again. This Christmas was not great, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
The last two months have been horrible. One disaster and stress after another. A week and a half before Christmas my car breaks and I had to drop a little over $500.00 on it. That happened to be pretty much all the money and then some I had been able to save in over a year. All week all I could think of was Christmas. Its in your face even if you are trying not to think about it. I had to open Christmas day, had to get up at 630 am. I was dreading it. I miss my family unbelievably. I haven't seen anyone in almost two years. And I just kept thinking about having to get up early last year on Christmas and getting a phone call about a friend passing in the night. I spent Christmas eve night alone. I tried to go to bed early and failed. Got up for work tired. Got ready and drove to work. From the time I got up till I got to work and had something to occupy my mind all I could think of was my tall friend. I miss him a lot, but I will hopefully see him again someday in the sky. I got through the crappy day at work and headed home to my empty house. I had a Christmas meatball sub from subway while watching Man vs. Wild. I wanted to cry, but then something happened. A bunch of my friends started texting and calling me. Some of them ended up coming over and we played some games and watched Hook. Everyone just left a little bit ago. I didn't get to see any family, but I did get to spend some time with friends. Some time that I don't ever have much of. I'm not going to lie and say it was a great Christmas, or that I still wasn't depressed some. I was. I don't know if my friends came over to keep me company, or they were bored at home, or both. I don't care though. I got to enjoy at least a couple hours of the day. This is the first Christmas in many years that didn't feel like a complete mind numbing disaster. It mostly felt like any other day of the year. I will take it.
My church and a potluck and worship service with another church this last Wednesday. There was a part during the service where people were telling God what they are thankful for. I didn't get to say anything. But for any of my friends that read this, I wanted to say how thankful I am for you guys. Without you, I honestly would not have made it these last couple years. I love you guys.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
LOL
I've discovered whats been wrong for this last half decade, why everything gets me down, its because I have been looking at everything wrong. Instead of being mad or upset when I lose an opportunity, or someone betrays me, or I have another bad day at work, I should be laughing. I've come to the conclusion that my life is a big cosmic joke :) I'm the person that nothing goes right for. If the wrong thing can happen, no matter how unlikely, it will happen to me.
I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore. I have one person that I have been laying all my troubles on, but I don't really think she wants them and I'm not always comfortable talking to her about them, but she listens so she is the one that gets it. I don't think I'm going to bother her anymore, so for tonight, my crappy blog gets it.
I'm just going to list randomly everything that is boiling in my brain lately. This is going to be a long one, so feel free to hit the x in the corner of the web page right now if you don't feel like reading, I wont hold it against you.
Its just hit me recently. I have had many people joke about how I suck at life for many years now. See, its funny. In the past few weeks I have had conversations with friends and some family that have at some point laughed or said "that sucks" to something that has happened to me. And after either of those responses, everyone of them followed it up, "it figures with you," or "only with your luck, this happens". These aren't the first times I have heard this, this is just the most I have heard it at once to where it dawned on me that everyone sees me this way. I'm the guy that nothing ever goes right for, ever.
I have been single for a long time now. Every woman I have liked wants nothing to do with me, and every woman that has actually liked me that are know of were crazy. Everyone I have given a chance to have burned me, some worse than others. My parents moved me away from everyone I knew when I was 14 and then again at 16. They moved away from me a couple years ago. I never get to see family. One of the only things I have truly wished and prayed for since I was 14 was to have a family of my own one day. I gave up on that dream.
One of the only times I get to see friends is Monday nights for a bible study I run at my house. But half the time I spend it frustrated or angry because it has become painfully obvious that half the people that come don't take studying God's word seriously 99% of the time they are there. This used to just bug me in the past, but has gotten worse since I have had to handle a majority of coming up with the study part of it now. I have a friend that is handling the Q&A part of it right now, and she is doing a good job, but I still end up pretty much giving a lesson to a bunch of people that didn't read anything and aren't paying attention when I'm trying to explain what they didn't read so they can glean something from the day. No one ever tries to discuss anything, they just try to get through the questions as quick and curtly as possible to have hangout time after. Honestly, the only reason I still do it is because I know that although most of them only care sometime, a couple people do really care all the time.
This Sunday is the children service at my church. Some people try to avoid this week, but personally its one of the weeks I look forward to. I love seeing all those kids having fun and praising our Creator. Well, my work is of course taking that away from me. And it steals all my fun too. Friends hang out and I don't get a call because they assume I'm working. Or days like tomorrow happen. I have a Friday off and I would rather be working. Everybody I could reach is working or already has plans so I will most likely sit alone watching my DVR all night on a Friday. Are you seeing the funny yet?
Every attempt at another job has failed miserably. I spent a year and over $1000.00 to have a simple mistake that literally doesn't make a difference for the job, screw me over. Every job I hear of that even remotely I am qualified for and can support me, I jump at and they are gone before I get there or I get no response. Last week, a few Customs jobs came up in Detroit that are great opportunities. I go to apply and while filling out the personal information, before I get to anything that determines qualifications, a glitch happens and I'm kicked out and told I can't reapply for another 6 months. This wouldn't matter much except I was going to apply for Boarder Patrol, which would mean a move to New Mexico. But I figured this might be a better option than the Army, but I can't apply for that now for 6 months because both jobs are under the same umbrella in the government.
I've been thinking that every opportunity I have had has failed because maybe I am supposed to join the Army. But then again, this process has been a huge disaster. It has been almost 7 months since I first talked to a recruiter. It is unheard of. I have friends and family in the military, mostly Army, and they are all dumbfounded at the time it has taken to get anything done. Usually you walk in and take a test. Then sign the dotted line and your gone. Not me, of course not. A couple weeks ago I was supposed to take the ASVAB and physical and the physical was canceled on my way there. I took the ASVAB and scored extremely high. Well, I have finally been able to reschedule the physical for next Thursday. But my recruiter said it might be canceled too. So now I'm playing the waiting game to see if this is going down or not next week. If it does the rest SHOULD be simple. Meanwhile Christmas is creeping up and depressing the crap out of me. I dunno what I'm supposed to do.
A quick summary of my life seems to boil down to failing at just about everything I try to do. I accomplish nothing fast and exceptionally well. But I'm sick of crying about it, I'm going to try to just laugh from now on. You burn more calories that way.
I don't know if anyone actually read this whole bitchfest but if you did, I'm impressed. I don't really care if this one is read, I mostly just wanted to get this crap off of my chest.
Goodnight.
I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore. I have one person that I have been laying all my troubles on, but I don't really think she wants them and I'm not always comfortable talking to her about them, but she listens so she is the one that gets it. I don't think I'm going to bother her anymore, so for tonight, my crappy blog gets it.
I'm just going to list randomly everything that is boiling in my brain lately. This is going to be a long one, so feel free to hit the x in the corner of the web page right now if you don't feel like reading, I wont hold it against you.
Its just hit me recently. I have had many people joke about how I suck at life for many years now. See, its funny. In the past few weeks I have had conversations with friends and some family that have at some point laughed or said "that sucks" to something that has happened to me. And after either of those responses, everyone of them followed it up, "it figures with you," or "only with your luck, this happens". These aren't the first times I have heard this, this is just the most I have heard it at once to where it dawned on me that everyone sees me this way. I'm the guy that nothing ever goes right for, ever.
I have been single for a long time now. Every woman I have liked wants nothing to do with me, and every woman that has actually liked me that are know of were crazy. Everyone I have given a chance to have burned me, some worse than others. My parents moved me away from everyone I knew when I was 14 and then again at 16. They moved away from me a couple years ago. I never get to see family. One of the only things I have truly wished and prayed for since I was 14 was to have a family of my own one day. I gave up on that dream.
One of the only times I get to see friends is Monday nights for a bible study I run at my house. But half the time I spend it frustrated or angry because it has become painfully obvious that half the people that come don't take studying God's word seriously 99% of the time they are there. This used to just bug me in the past, but has gotten worse since I have had to handle a majority of coming up with the study part of it now. I have a friend that is handling the Q&A part of it right now, and she is doing a good job, but I still end up pretty much giving a lesson to a bunch of people that didn't read anything and aren't paying attention when I'm trying to explain what they didn't read so they can glean something from the day. No one ever tries to discuss anything, they just try to get through the questions as quick and curtly as possible to have hangout time after. Honestly, the only reason I still do it is because I know that although most of them only care sometime, a couple people do really care all the time.
This Sunday is the children service at my church. Some people try to avoid this week, but personally its one of the weeks I look forward to. I love seeing all those kids having fun and praising our Creator. Well, my work is of course taking that away from me. And it steals all my fun too. Friends hang out and I don't get a call because they assume I'm working. Or days like tomorrow happen. I have a Friday off and I would rather be working. Everybody I could reach is working or already has plans so I will most likely sit alone watching my DVR all night on a Friday. Are you seeing the funny yet?
Every attempt at another job has failed miserably. I spent a year and over $1000.00 to have a simple mistake that literally doesn't make a difference for the job, screw me over. Every job I hear of that even remotely I am qualified for and can support me, I jump at and they are gone before I get there or I get no response. Last week, a few Customs jobs came up in Detroit that are great opportunities. I go to apply and while filling out the personal information, before I get to anything that determines qualifications, a glitch happens and I'm kicked out and told I can't reapply for another 6 months. This wouldn't matter much except I was going to apply for Boarder Patrol, which would mean a move to New Mexico. But I figured this might be a better option than the Army, but I can't apply for that now for 6 months because both jobs are under the same umbrella in the government.
I've been thinking that every opportunity I have had has failed because maybe I am supposed to join the Army. But then again, this process has been a huge disaster. It has been almost 7 months since I first talked to a recruiter. It is unheard of. I have friends and family in the military, mostly Army, and they are all dumbfounded at the time it has taken to get anything done. Usually you walk in and take a test. Then sign the dotted line and your gone. Not me, of course not. A couple weeks ago I was supposed to take the ASVAB and physical and the physical was canceled on my way there. I took the ASVAB and scored extremely high. Well, I have finally been able to reschedule the physical for next Thursday. But my recruiter said it might be canceled too. So now I'm playing the waiting game to see if this is going down or not next week. If it does the rest SHOULD be simple. Meanwhile Christmas is creeping up and depressing the crap out of me. I dunno what I'm supposed to do.
A quick summary of my life seems to boil down to failing at just about everything I try to do. I accomplish nothing fast and exceptionally well. But I'm sick of crying about it, I'm going to try to just laugh from now on. You burn more calories that way.
I don't know if anyone actually read this whole bitchfest but if you did, I'm impressed. I don't really care if this one is read, I mostly just wanted to get this crap off of my chest.
Goodnight.
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