I've discovered whats been wrong for this last half decade, why everything gets me down, its because I have been looking at everything wrong. Instead of being mad or upset when I lose an opportunity, or someone betrays me, or I have another bad day at work, I should be laughing. I've come to the conclusion that my life is a big cosmic joke :) I'm the person that nothing goes right for. If the wrong thing can happen, no matter how unlikely, it will happen to me.
I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore. I have one person that I have been laying all my troubles on, but I don't really think she wants them and I'm not always comfortable talking to her about them, but she listens so she is the one that gets it. I don't think I'm going to bother her anymore, so for tonight, my crappy blog gets it.
I'm just going to list randomly everything that is boiling in my brain lately. This is going to be a long one, so feel free to hit the x in the corner of the web page right now if you don't feel like reading, I wont hold it against you.
Its just hit me recently. I have had many people joke about how I suck at life for many years now. See, its funny. In the past few weeks I have had conversations with friends and some family that have at some point laughed or said "that sucks" to something that has happened to me. And after either of those responses, everyone of them followed it up, "it figures with you," or "only with your luck, this happens". These aren't the first times I have heard this, this is just the most I have heard it at once to where it dawned on me that everyone sees me this way. I'm the guy that nothing ever goes right for, ever.
I have been single for a long time now. Every woman I have liked wants nothing to do with me, and every woman that has actually liked me that are know of were crazy. Everyone I have given a chance to have burned me, some worse than others. My parents moved me away from everyone I knew when I was 14 and then again at 16. They moved away from me a couple years ago. I never get to see family. One of the only things I have truly wished and prayed for since I was 14 was to have a family of my own one day. I gave up on that dream.
One of the only times I get to see friends is Monday nights for a bible study I run at my house. But half the time I spend it frustrated or angry because it has become painfully obvious that half the people that come don't take studying God's word seriously 99% of the time they are there. This used to just bug me in the past, but has gotten worse since I have had to handle a majority of coming up with the study part of it now. I have a friend that is handling the Q&A part of it right now, and she is doing a good job, but I still end up pretty much giving a lesson to a bunch of people that didn't read anything and aren't paying attention when I'm trying to explain what they didn't read so they can glean something from the day. No one ever tries to discuss anything, they just try to get through the questions as quick and curtly as possible to have hangout time after. Honestly, the only reason I still do it is because I know that although most of them only care sometime, a couple people do really care all the time.
This Sunday is the children service at my church. Some people try to avoid this week, but personally its one of the weeks I look forward to. I love seeing all those kids having fun and praising our Creator. Well, my work is of course taking that away from me. And it steals all my fun too. Friends hang out and I don't get a call because they assume I'm working. Or days like tomorrow happen. I have a Friday off and I would rather be working. Everybody I could reach is working or already has plans so I will most likely sit alone watching my DVR all night on a Friday. Are you seeing the funny yet?
Every attempt at another job has failed miserably. I spent a year and over $1000.00 to have a simple mistake that literally doesn't make a difference for the job, screw me over. Every job I hear of that even remotely I am qualified for and can support me, I jump at and they are gone before I get there or I get no response. Last week, a few Customs jobs came up in Detroit that are great opportunities. I go to apply and while filling out the personal information, before I get to anything that determines qualifications, a glitch happens and I'm kicked out and told I can't reapply for another 6 months. This wouldn't matter much except I was going to apply for Boarder Patrol, which would mean a move to New Mexico. But I figured this might be a better option than the Army, but I can't apply for that now for 6 months because both jobs are under the same umbrella in the government.
I've been thinking that every opportunity I have had has failed because maybe I am supposed to join the Army. But then again, this process has been a huge disaster. It has been almost 7 months since I first talked to a recruiter. It is unheard of. I have friends and family in the military, mostly Army, and they are all dumbfounded at the time it has taken to get anything done. Usually you walk in and take a test. Then sign the dotted line and your gone. Not me, of course not. A couple weeks ago I was supposed to take the ASVAB and physical and the physical was canceled on my way there. I took the ASVAB and scored extremely high. Well, I have finally been able to reschedule the physical for next Thursday. But my recruiter said it might be canceled too. So now I'm playing the waiting game to see if this is going down or not next week. If it does the rest SHOULD be simple. Meanwhile Christmas is creeping up and depressing the crap out of me. I dunno what I'm supposed to do.
A quick summary of my life seems to boil down to failing at just about everything I try to do. I accomplish nothing fast and exceptionally well. But I'm sick of crying about it, I'm going to try to just laugh from now on. You burn more calories that way.
I don't know if anyone actually read this whole bitchfest but if you did, I'm impressed. I don't really care if this one is read, I mostly just wanted to get this crap off of my chest.
Goodnight.
About Me
- The Red One
- Im a closer to 30 than 20 year old. The first thing you would notice about me is my red(thanks to southpark and The Brits, Ginger) hair. I'm a Christian guy try to sort this place called Earth out in my head and failing most of the time.
Some of my favorite music
6 comments:
I think you've got it right - just laugh! This life doesn't last long - and the Bible says that God wants to prosper you in it: try to have faith in that. Remember, life sucks, on some level, for most people right now. From outside, my life looks good to most - but there are things about it that suck for me, and tend to affect my mood daily. But I have to remember to take the focus off myself - like Dr. Laura says, "life gets a lot easier when you stop being selfish". Just keep laughing and keep your eyes on the prize. You'll be all right.
Look at Job ... you're life isn't nearly as bad as his got!
I read the whole thing, dern you. And you know what, the way I look at missed or failed opportunities is that God didn't want me in that particular place and you can't get be frustrated with God's will because there isn't any way around it if it's what you really want. You're alive, you do have friends who care about you (even if you may not see them that often), you have food, health, working limbs, a roof over your head, a job, Jesus, etc. You'll be okay J-Quizzle, I believe it. You just need to. :)
I honestly don't see how you could possibly, even remotely, think of yourself as a failure. You have persevered through some of the toughest things and kept your faith. You have managed to connect with people even though your life has made it a challenge to do it. You have been completely dependable with the things you've committed yourself to do. -- I know it's not easy for things to not work out like you want. But it's not a joke. Your character reveals the work that God has done within you through all of the hardship. You remained faithful when others were faithless, and that is a Christlike behavior. What I think is that when the right door finally does open up, you are going to be ready for what you need to do because you have been prepared for it. -- I believe in you.
I decided to read the whole thing, possibly because I feel that reflecting on other people lives might make me feel better about mine, but nahh. I feel your pain. I go through the same junk and all that jazz that likes to dance its way through my life. Lovely. All I can say is, you are so not the pinpoint of everything that can go wrong. I really think with all my heart that you focus too much on the negatives in your life. Those bible studies you do should be for YOU. Don' think about the other people who aren't paying attention or reading the word along with everyone else. Think about the benefit it'll have in your life. Maybe God is all "Dude, you're the one who needs it more, not them." Who knows. I don't, but its just a thought. I deal with all sorts of wack peeps that invade my life with drama and crap that I really dont want or need. I'm a pastor's kid so I was born into that church drama junk. I grew up in the city where I got a taste of pretty much every type of person and personality on the face of this earth (not to mention they were all welcomed into my home because my dad counseled them in his office). So when I tell you I feel ya', I really do. Key thing is to just keep pushing forward. How cliche but hey, it works. In fact, you dont even got to push forward cause God is all "I'm totally strong and I can most definitely take your burden." and so I give him my burdens and life is gooood. :) Oh and if for some reason stuff keeps happening to stop you from joining the army or whatever and you keep signing up again and again..well then I don't know if God can be a little more clear..cause by the looks of it...he might not want you to go. Just sayin'. Maybe youre like Jonas..running away from something and God is all.."I want you here doing this..not that!". So listen with your heart during prayer.
So..i think I wrote a butt load. :P sorry. But hope the sun shines more. :) Cause' I'll be praying for you.
Hey! What One Big Happy said! You've kept your faith. There are a lot of costume Christians out there dude. Maybe they don't take anything really seriously in life at all, or maybe they think that they're "okay" with God even though they live their life totally opposite from God's will (when they're not at Bible study to be sure).
But ... in the end, they will be in for a big surprise ...
Or maybe they just don't get the connection yet between "going to church" and the need to actually devote yourself to Christ ... or what that even means - this is probably because they are pretty self centered and very immature spiritually, and probably mentally too: or just easily distracted, or full of ****. Who knows.
Good times dude. Just keep going with it though - because something's bound to sink into other's hearts and minds at some point. It took me 28 years to get it ... and I'm still working on it at 36.
I read the whole thing too. Not really knowing what God's plan is while being away from your family and having to work a ton of random hours cannot be very fun. I'll be praying for you. Hoping things turn soon.
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