Christmas

Another year almost gone. Christmas just past about an hour ago. I'm about to go to bed. Gotta get up in 5 hours for work again. This Christmas was not great, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
The last two months have been horrible. One disaster and stress after another. A week and a half before Christmas my car breaks and I had to drop a little over $500.00 on it. That happened to be pretty much all the money and then some I had been able to save in over a year. All week all I could think of was Christmas. Its in your face even if you are trying not to think about it. I had to open Christmas day, had to get up at 630 am. I was dreading it. I miss my family unbelievably. I haven't seen anyone in almost two years. And I just kept thinking about having to get up early last year on Christmas and getting a phone call about a friend passing in the night. I spent Christmas eve night alone. I tried to go to bed early and failed. Got up for work tired. Got ready and drove to work. From the time I got up till I got to work and had something to occupy my mind all I could think of was my tall friend. I miss him a lot, but I will hopefully see him again someday in the sky. I got through the crappy day at work and headed home to my empty house. I had a Christmas meatball sub from subway while watching Man vs. Wild. I wanted to cry, but then something happened. A bunch of my friends started texting and calling me. Some of them ended up coming over and we played some games and watched Hook. Everyone just left a little bit ago. I didn't get to see any family, but I did get to spend some time with friends. Some time that I don't ever have much of. I'm not going to lie and say it was a great Christmas, or that I still wasn't depressed some. I was. I don't know if my friends came over to keep me company, or they were bored at home, or both. I don't care though. I got to enjoy at least a couple hours of the day. This is the first Christmas in many years that didn't feel like a complete mind numbing disaster. It mostly felt like any other day of the year. I will take it.
My church and a potluck and worship service with another church this last Wednesday. There was a part during the service where people were telling God what they are thankful for. I didn't get to say anything. But for any of my friends that read this, I wanted to say how thankful I am for you guys. Without you, I honestly would not have made it these last couple years. I love you guys.

LOL

I've discovered whats been wrong for this last half decade, why everything gets me down, its because I have been looking at everything wrong. Instead of being mad or upset when I lose an opportunity, or someone betrays me, or I have another bad day at work, I should be laughing. I've come to the conclusion that my life is a big cosmic joke :) I'm the person that nothing goes right for. If the wrong thing can happen, no matter how unlikely, it will happen to me.

I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore. I have one person that I have been laying all my troubles on, but I don't really think she wants them and I'm not always comfortable talking to her about them, but she listens so she is the one that gets it. I don't think I'm going to bother her anymore, so for tonight, my crappy blog gets it.
I'm just going to list randomly everything that is boiling in my brain lately. This is going to be a long one, so feel free to hit the x in the corner of the web page right now if you don't feel like reading, I wont hold it against you.

Its just hit me recently. I have had many people joke about how I suck at life for many years now. See, its funny. In the past few weeks I have had conversations with friends and some family that have at some point laughed or said "that sucks" to something that has happened to me. And after either of those responses, everyone of them followed it up, "it figures with you," or "only with your luck, this happens". These aren't the first times I have heard this, this is just the most I have heard it at once to where it dawned on me that everyone sees me this way. I'm the guy that nothing ever goes right for, ever.

I have been single for a long time now. Every woman I have liked wants nothing to do with me, and every woman that has actually liked me that are know of were crazy. Everyone I have given a chance to have burned me, some worse than others. My parents moved me away from everyone I knew when I was 14 and then again at 16. They moved away from me a couple years ago. I never get to see family. One of the only things I have truly wished and prayed for since I was 14 was to have a family of my own one day. I gave up on that dream.

One of the only times I get to see friends is Monday nights for a bible study I run at my house. But half the time I spend it frustrated or angry because it has become painfully obvious that half the people that come don't take studying God's word seriously 99% of the time they are there. This used to just bug me in the past, but has gotten worse since I have had to handle a majority of coming up with the study part of it now. I have a friend that is handling the Q&A part of it right now, and she is doing a good job, but I still end up pretty much giving a lesson to a bunch of people that didn't read anything and aren't paying attention when I'm trying to explain what they didn't read so they can glean something from the day. No one ever tries to discuss anything, they just try to get through the questions as quick and curtly as possible to have hangout time after. Honestly, the only reason I still do it is because I know that although most of them only care sometime, a couple people do really care all the time.

This Sunday is the children service at my church. Some people try to avoid this week, but personally its one of the weeks I look forward to. I love seeing all those kids having fun and praising our Creator. Well, my work is of course taking that away from me. And it steals all my fun too. Friends hang out and I don't get a call because they assume I'm working. Or days like tomorrow happen. I have a Friday off and I would rather be working. Everybody I could reach is working or already has plans so I will most likely sit alone watching my DVR all night on a Friday. Are you seeing the funny yet?
Every attempt at another job has failed miserably. I spent a year and over $1000.00 to have a simple mistake that literally doesn't make a difference for the job, screw me over. Every job I hear of that even remotely I am qualified for and can support me, I jump at and they are gone before I get there or I get no response. Last week, a few Customs jobs came up in Detroit that are great opportunities. I go to apply and while filling out the personal information, before I get to anything that determines qualifications, a glitch happens and I'm kicked out and told I can't reapply for another 6 months. This wouldn't matter much except I was going to apply for Boarder Patrol, which would mean a move to New Mexico. But I figured this might be a better option than the Army, but I can't apply for that now for 6 months because both jobs are under the same umbrella in the government.
I've been thinking that every opportunity I have had has failed because maybe I am supposed to join the Army. But then again, this process has been a huge disaster. It has been almost 7 months since I first talked to a recruiter. It is unheard of. I have friends and family in the military, mostly Army, and they are all dumbfounded at the time it has taken to get anything done. Usually you walk in and take a test. Then sign the dotted line and your gone. Not me, of course not. A couple weeks ago I was supposed to take the ASVAB and physical and the physical was canceled on my way there. I took the ASVAB and scored extremely high. Well, I have finally been able to reschedule the physical for next Thursday. But my recruiter said it might be canceled too. So now I'm playing the waiting game to see if this is going down or not next week. If it does the rest SHOULD be simple. Meanwhile Christmas is creeping up and depressing the crap out of me. I dunno what I'm supposed to do.

A quick summary of my life seems to boil down to failing at just about everything I try to do. I accomplish nothing fast and exceptionally well. But I'm sick of crying about it, I'm going to try to just laugh from now on. You burn more calories that way.

I don't know if anyone actually read this whole bitchfest but if you did, I'm impressed. I don't really care if this one is read, I mostly just wanted to get this crap off of my chest.
Goodnight.

It's geeting closer.

I have been going through a lot of crap the last few weeks. It doesn't seem to let up. It just keeps getting worse and worse. Work is horrible. I snapped at a couple rude people this weekend, which is a big no-no. I almost punched a guy Sunday night that was extremely disrespectful and rude. We had a stare-down for about one minute in front of 5 of my employees. I'm glad the guy shut-up, backed off and walked away, because I would have lost my job. I love my job. I don't understand people. I don't understand why people can have some much hate inside them that they must treat you like a piece of crap to make themselves feel good. I really don't understand why people that are supposed to be friends or closer can lie to you face and betray you. I don't understand a lot of things.
I pray that this stress will let up. But even if it doesn't, I will just keep praying and trusting that God will give me the strength to get through this. Maybe I will even learn something from it. I hope so, because there is a lot of crap I have dealt with that taught me nothing.

Anyway,now for something more constructive.
I requested two days off next week so that I could have a stretch of weekdays off. I'm calling the Army Recruiters tomorrow to schedule my Physical and hopefully the ASVAB. It will be a two day process. This is stupid, but there is no way around it. I will get picked up and taken to Troy. I will be put up in a hotel room for most of a day and get up at about 5am to take the physical. If its God's will I will pass the physical and score extremely high on the test. Then all I have to do is pick a job and see when I will ship out, then sign my life away to the US of A Government. Good times.

Time to go.

So, the Army finally got there heads out of there arses this last week. They finally cleared my medical paperwork. I am now required to pass a physical and then from there, I just need to take the ASVAB and pick my job and see when I can leave. I have not ever been 100% on doing this, but it appears to be one of my best and only options right now. I've been praying for a long time for some guidance that I either fail to see or am not getting. So I pray for something else to come up that can fix my situation, if not then to the Army I go.
I think about leaving and it makes me sad but at the same time, I don't really feel like I'd be leaving much behind. That may seem harsh but its the truth. I have nothing to keep me here. I see my friends and church family 1-2 times a week. Some of them a 3rd if I'm really lucky. Everybody I know gets to hang out and then and go back to their families. I get to go back to my empty house.
Today its Halloween and if this weekend is any indication of how the next few months are going to go, I'm going to lose my mind. It took everything I had not to flip out on rude, inconsiderate people and get myself fired these last couple days. Everybody I know was spending time together or with there families. I was working, and that's how it goes, that's pretty much how its always gone with this job.
I'm going to attempt to get a couple extra weekdays off sometime in the next couple weeks to get this physical done. I'm going to try to finally get this all taken care of. I'm still not sure what to pray for but I'm still praying. I just know that the next two months aren't going to be any easier than this weekend was with work or anything else.

15 days...

15 days until Halloween. 15 Days till the Holiday season from the end of October through the beginning of the new year starts. Its that time when everyone's families get together and spend time with each other, growing closer and catching up on what they have missed.
This is not what I experience.
I've been working in the movie theatre business for 10 years, which is probably 9-10 too long. I have never understood all the families coming to the movies on the holidays instead of spending time at home, but they do. This two month chunk of the year is not much fun for me. I have to work a lot and see all these families together and realize I can't have it. All of my family live far away and they can't afford to come here, and I can't go there unless I want to come home jobless.
I am at work on the Holidays and alone on the days before and after. I miss my family. I have a niece I have only seen once and a nephew on the way that I don't know when I will ever meet. Ive seen my sister once in the last 3 years. And I have seen my parents an average of once a year for the last 3. All the holidays remind me of is how alone I am.
This year is going to be the worse one yet. I really don't want want Christmas to come, I don't know how I am going to deal with it
I wish I could just go to sleep right now and wake up in January 2nd.

Doing Stuff.

What we do to entertain ourselves is, well entertaining.
I went to church this morning and after had some lunch with friends at an overpriced burger place that for some reason is named after a bird. I then went home and played the new Halo Reach game for about 20 minutes before a friend arrived to play it with me. We played for about two hours. We had to quit you see, quit to go watch a movie with some more friends. We watched "The Town" which was pretty good. Now we are back at my house. They are all playing Rockband while I type this. I don't know what I wanted to do, but Rockband was not it. But they can all have some fun while I actually write on my blog again. Movies and games are my favorite form of entertainment.

I spend a lot, a lot, of time doing things that accomplish nothing. We all do. We go to the movies, play games, go to sporting events. We spend so much time keeping busy doing "stuff" and not doing anything worth while. I feel like I should be doing something good, something important. What that is or how is something that I am at a loss to come up with. The hours I work leave little time that is not late at night or early early in the morning to do anything. Part of the reason I want to join the Army or get a different job or anything else is because I am just wasting away doing nothing but surviving and wasting time on selfish entertainment. I'm letting our Savior down. I just wish I knew what to do to fix it.

I was able to go to church for the first time in a month today. I had to run the projector equipment which usually means I'm zoned out to the praise music and message to make sure everything is correct. Today during praise and worship I was actually able to get into the songs a little bit. For the first time in a very long time I actually felt God's presence with me. I wanted to drop down on my knees and cry. But I had a job to do so I kept working. I pray that I can feel that warmth around me more. I know God is always there, but little reminders like that are most welcome reminders for me.

On a side note: My job still sucks but pays well. I'm about to give up on the Army that could be beat in race by a snail if they can't tell me something soon.

Also spent the last few days hanging out with one of my best friends whom just was married yesterday. I had the honor of being in the wedding along with another of my good friends Zombie. I got to watch two people start their new life together, in Christ. It was a beautiful thing. :)

Hello.

It has been pointed out to me, that since my last post stating that I'm going to try to do this blog again, I haven't. I laughed but it is true. For anybody that does read my blog, I am still alive. I have been overworked and very busy and can't think of anything to put in here. Life is still chugging along and that is about it. Peace out!

Here we go again.

I'm going to try and do this again. I'm going to try and write some of my thoughts, feelings, and other shenanigans out in a positive form here. It may blow up in my face again, but I suppose I should try to stay positive, even when I keep rolling snake eyes.

Attempting to write here again was prompted by spending the last three hours doing my employee schedule from home while listing to Last.FM on my XBox. I have a friend that primarily works from home and listens to music while he does it. I envy him now, because this was the most stress free/relaxed work I have ever done. I either had to spending an hour driving to and from work to do this or do it from home so I chose to stay here. I'm glad my boss let me. I just finished and started checking my friends blogs and decided to try once again.

I still find myself at a loss for what I should be doing. I guess right now, maybe I'm right where God wants me to be, maybe not. I know that even if I'm not, I'm trying my hardest to be a good example for him. I may fail half the time, but I keep going. I've been in the job I have for far far far too long, but I have been stuck here. I basically make sure people are selling tickets and popcorn properly. Also, I'm good at getting yelled at without losing my temper which is needed for my job. Besides that, it doesn't really serve much purpose. I have wanted to do something that helps people at least in some way real, not just enjoying their movies.

I've been talking to an Army recruiter for a bit now. Waiting for some medical crap to get sorted. I'm gonna call him tomorrow since its too late today. Hopefully everything will be well and I can start moving the process along further. I have no clue if this is what I should be doing, but I'm getting older and the options I have are narrowing further in further with everything. I believe being a soldier is something I can do well, and I will be able to serve my country, people around me and maybe others around the world. I won't feel useless anymore. I won't spend 45-50 hours a week doing a nothing job. All of my family are far away from me and I'm lucky to see any of them once a year, if at all. The few good friends I have I see less and less of all the time. The holidays just depress me. I need to get out of here. I hope this is the way to make it happen. By the time if get out, I will have enough money and free education if I want it, to start over. I won't have to spend 5 more years struggle to keep my head above water.
Some of my friends don't want me to go for fear I might have to fight and could die. This is something I can honestly say I have no fear of. I'm not crazy or delusional enough to think I couldn't die. I'm simply not afraid. I don't want to go off to war and get killed, but it's not something that would stop me from joining the military or being a cop or whatever else. Maybe its because I don't have a wife or kids or someone else that I'm responsible for but the thought of dying doesn't mean much to me. God is going to take me on his time. Afghanistan or a drunk driver here, it makes no difference. I may live till I'm 102 but its not up to me. My parents and sister support me. I believe they do in their hearts, or at least they aren't dumb enough to cause a fight over it.
I pray for peace about this, or for some clear guidance towards something different. So far I have had a little of the first and none of the second. For anyone that reads this and knows me, I ask that you just do the same if you remember me when your speaking to our Savior.

Honesty is Not the Best Policy.

June of last year: I go into the Detroit Police recruiting center hopeful for a new job. I filled out an interest card, my criminal background was run then I was asked explained how the process works. I was also asked a few questions including if I have ever done any illegal drugs/substances. I admit to smokin some weed in high school. I was asked about when I was over 18. I said no.

Jump ahead to Tuesday a week ago: I come in from my background interview, which is one interview away from having the job. I fill out a bunch of paperwork, which included the drug question again. I put down the same answer.

Jump to Monday night of this week: I receive a letter stating that I said no to any drug use at all during my pre-screening in June and now I said I did so do to low morals and lack of integrity I am being permanently deactivated from getting a job with the Detroit Police. "Thank you for you interest and good luck in your future endeavors".

I call and speak to my background investigator on Tuesday morning . I'm a bit angry and confused for being called a liar and because I didn't do anything wrong. I calmly explain to her everything. She says she will pull my file and contact me. I received a phone call a short while ago from her stating that she did my original interview(which she had no clue of when speaking to her on Tuesday) She says that she wouldn't have asked me anything about being an adult and that I just said no to the question, that maybe I had forgotten about the marijuana when asked. I said I don't believe I would have but is there anything I can do to fix this, write a statement, come down there and speak to someone, anything. She puts me on hold for five minutes and comes back and says I may(not for sure, but may) be able to start over by filling out an interest card again starting one year from today.
I wanted to reach through the fun and punch her or someone in the face, but I just thanked her for her time and hung up.
So basically, one of the most well known for corruption police departments on the planet called me a liar and to have a good day somewhere other than here, for something that wasn't my fault.

A little over a year ago I was talking to my mom about some crap that was going on and she started to try to comfort me by saying "I knows that it seems like everything goes wrong for you", but she stopped her sentence right there and I started laughing, because she had to correct herself and say "I'm sorry, I don't know why everything does go bad for you, but it can't last for ever." I have friends that joke about my life skills sucking because of all the crap I've deal with.

I have had a pretty crappy go of things for half a decade now and this tops it off.
This is the first thing in a long long long time I have been excited and optimistic about. And I have waited almost a year now to get it to be told to go F*#@ off. I'm done.

I started this blog to try keep a positive outlook on things and looking back on my lack of entries, I realize that I don't have a lot of positive things going on. Besides living itself and knowing that I'm gonna be with Jesus when I die, life pretty much blows. That should be enough(the living with Jesus in my heart, not life blowing). It was for the Disciples. I wish I could think that way. I pray for it all the time. But it isn't me and I fear it never will be.

I need to get out of Dodge. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be all I can be in Iraq or Afghanistan because if I gotta leave the only place I have considered a home since my parents dragged me out of Cali when I was 14, I'm not moving to a different state with hopes of finding a job, I'm not living with my parents again and trying to find work, I'm gonna get as far away as I can and maybe return in 2-4 years with some better outlook and options. Or maybe not return at all. Who knows, but if I'm gonna be miserable, I would rather be miserable where I know I am doing some sort of good every day instead of just on Sundays if I'm lucky. The hope of being a cop, a career/life change, is the only thing that made this last year tolerable. I can't put up with this anymore.

I just wanted to rant to someone, and I'm here alone before I gotta work the next 3 days so you got it blog. I also wanted to say goodbye. It's been nice knowing you, but doubt we are ever going to meet again.

Driving in the dark.

I just got home from a craptastic day at work. Watched Shutter Island. I like getting paid to see movies. Its a decent flick but most will see the end in the first 14 minutes of the movie.
Some friends came up to watch it with me. They stopped and picked up my roommate on the way. After the movie he rode back with me. I got home and realized the 25 minute drive seemed like nothing at all with company in the car.
I drive home Southfield Freeway at 1-3am at least 3-4 days a week. Its a quite, lonely drive at 3 am. and I usually think too much and depress myself on the way home.
Tonight was good. Dave and I talked about the movie and police for a few minutes and then spent 20 minutes on a video game. It amazes me how much time can fly by when talking about utter nonsense. It fascinates me how our brains work. 25 minutes seemed like 5. But I would take talking about nothing then talking to myself any day.

Well gotta sleep now for a few hours and be back to work.

Ehhh.... a new blog.

So here is my first blog since. ohhh, June last year. I aimed to attempt to make it more positive then negative. I'm not sure how I'm doing on that note. But I have been thinking about starting to write in this again for a few weeks now, so here we are. I just got home from work, shoveled some snow and decided to write here.

So since last time I was here, I made it home safely from New Mexico(No fresh water shark attacks). I worked through the Holiday season. I lost a friend that has affected me more than anyone cares to notice including myself. I gained a 2nd roommate and my 1st one went and got himself engaged. I still work at the same hole that sucks your soul out one day at a time. I'm still single. And I await March 2nd for a background interview with the Detroit Police to continue the hiring process. Mmmm... I think that is it. Exciting is-int it?

I have a hard time dwelling on the negative. I have been trying to change that, honest.
My focus right now is the police. The possibility of getting the job is really exciting and scares the crap out of me at the same time. I keep praying for Gods will in this whole thing. The idea of doing a job that I believe I can do well, a job that actually has some kind of meaning behind it besides making a dollar makes me smile. Stepping out of a job a do very well for over 10 years now on a chance for something that I may fail at and can't really comprehend fully until I am actually doing it makes me want to cry. All I know is that I have been pushing harder at the gym to get in better shape to make the academy as physically easy as possible so I can worry about the academics. Its constantly on my mind and when I have a bad day at work its worse because I just want to quit and get the crap outta there.

I hope and pray that this is the right thing for me to do partially because I believe it is and partially because I don't know what else I've got.

buh bye.